So, Saturday night, Nick was at a movie with Dasher, and I had the other three kids at home with me. Well, first, Emmah wanted to go to the ward potluck, but I was hesitant to take the three of them without Nick, but I am a sucker, and we went anyway. I figured since I had already signed up and made a soup, I might as well take it. So, we went, and it was lame, but that has nothing to do with this post.
Okay, so once we got home from the potluck, Emmah put in a movie, and I cleaned up the house. I like to quickly go through the house Saturday night to make sure it is clean for Sunday. I HATE having a messy house on Sunday, it literally sends a bad vibe all through my bones, and I can not enjoy my day unless I get up and clean. So, anyway, the house was clean, and I wanted to get all the clothes ready. The kids are easy. They have a lot to choose from, but I was wanting them to wear their Easter outfits, and I was determined to hem Dasher's suit pants. (I did that the next morning) So, with the kids clothes ready to go, it was now my turn. I wish I could just open my closet and find all of these wonderful, colorful, beautiful, and fashionable clothes THAT FIT, but that is not what I found. All I found were clothes that didn't fit. I was really irritated with myself because I had let myself get this way. How in the heck did I let myself get this way? Why had I let myself get this way? I look at my day to day routine and it just didn't add up. So, I put my clothes back on their hangers, closed my closet and just decided right then and there that I was just not going to church. I would spend Mother's Day by myself. I could do that, I should do that.
Around 10:30, Nick and Dasher return from their movie, Dasher goes STRAIGHT to bed, and Nick, sensing something was wrong asked, "are you upset because I went to the movie and not the potluck?" (we will address that one later) I replied, "No, I am not upset about that." "Then what is wrong?" This is when I know I put Nick in a tough spot. I instantly burst into tears, and blubbered out these words, " I have nothing to wear and I am not going to church. None of my clothes fit; I have gained so much weight, and I just don't have anything to wear." Maybe a little dramatic, but if you have ever been there, then ladies, you know what I was going through.
Well, Nick hates to see me cry. He hates to see me sad. In the nine years we have been married, he has dedicated a part of himself to make ME happy. So, I knew I was crushing him when I just lost it. I asked him, "Now be honest, can you not see the weight gain?" I mean my face alone is ridiculous. Hence why you only ever see pics of my family and none of me. That's right I am the one BEHIND the camera. He honestly said, "no, I don't see it." Right then and there, my heart swelled a ton. This man, oh this man. My knight in shining armor, my one true love, sees me just the way he sees me. The mother of his four children, his best friend, and the hottie he fell in love with so many years ago. I only hope that all my lady friends find their knight too, if not already found.
Okay, back to the original meaning of this post. I know it is hard for some to read these posts of mine. My rantings we shall call them. I find this a place of outlet. My serenity. I feel good after I have done this. Blame it on the FOUR months of grey and rain, blame it on the sun not shining, we could play the blame game all night long, but I am here to admit to myself and readers that I am overweight. Wow, that feels good. No more hiding behind layering pieces, or jackets. No more saying, well on Monday I will start, let me have my last supper. I need to change, and not just for the better, but change everything. I need and want to be there for my children. I need and want to be able to run a flight of stairs, and maybe even run a race someday. I need and want to throw my fat girl clothes away. I don't want to do this because everyone else is, I want to do this beause I want to do this. So, I will be honest and accountable. I will make this happen.
ps I did go to church, but I really and truly would have rather spent the day outside soaking up the sun that made his appearance for mommies day.
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You can do it Heidi!! If you are like me and eat the kids leftovers from every meal (I cannot stand it when food is wasted) lesa told me that her friend would spray the kids plates with windex so she wouldn't snack on it even when it was sitting in the sink. I already know that I will have to do that...I have no impulse control:( I am rooting for you! Don't get discouraged and if you slip one day there is always a tomorrow:)
ReplyDeleteOh, Heidi, I feel for you! I have had a tough time with my esteem since having Reagan. Don't get me wrong, I love and adore Reagan to pieces, but seeing the changes in my body has been very disappointing! Not like I used to have a slammin' body (haha!) or anything, but I never used to have problems with stuff like, "It fits around the waist, but it's too big around the butt..." or, "It fits great around the butt, but it's too big at the waist!" Never mind the fact that even some of my shirts don't button the same...They either fit well at the shoulders, but too tight around my gut. haha :) No, really...Having a child is a blessing, but a curse to your body! I had to go out and buy some clothes for our trip to Puerto Rico, because I didn't have any summer-type clothes that fit. The ones I did have were maternity clothes, and I didn't want to wear those! It's hard for me to get the motivation to exercise. When Reagan takes her naps, I want to nap, too...or fiddle around on the computer...or do chores around the house...Ya know, be productive! :) I've never been one that loves exercise or dieting. Anyway, before I keep rambling even more...Know that you're a beautiful person inside and out! You have a beautiful family, they're happy, healthy, and it's clear you're a good Mommy and wife, with a great hubby. Sometimes when I get down in the dumps, I try to focus more on the positive things in my life (family, Reagan, Zak, our home, etc.), and that helps to lift my mood. I think probably every Mommy has been in the same boat and has cried about how their body has changed at one point or another. Anyway, I have to go...Reagan is awake from her nap, and she is ready for me to get her out of her crib! She has a voice, and she knows how to use it. :) Stay positive, and know that you have a lot of family and friends that love you for you! :)
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